To: The Woman Sexting My Husband.

I know to you he may seem sweet and hurt and sexy and charming and I’m sure that he has explained to you how terrible I am and how many ways and means I have broken his heart.  But the part of the story you don’t know is the wife that he left behind that has poured her heart and love into him for all these years.  The words he has said and the hurts he has caused me.  The blaming, the unrealistic expectations, the many times I tried and failed to call his heart back to his family.  The children that love their Daddy and don’t understand why he won’t come home, when it’s what we all want, just not on his terms.  Because his terms are painful and selfish and unhealthy.  They don’t include what is best for the family, just what’s best for him.  You don’t know the selfishness and hardness that became his heart and the hurt and bitterness that became mine.  But in the end he decided it was easier to move on.  To find someone who would stroke his ego.  That doesn’t know the whole story and is happy to believe his.  That will believe all the justifications he has made up in his head.  And he can say to himself that it doesn’t matter now, because now he has you.

You can’t ever know the man who held my hand while I gave birth to our children, that held our newborn babies and sung and prayed over them.  The good times.  The laughter and love.  The intimacy that we enjoyed.  You will only ever hear about the bad times.  The atrocities I have committed in his eyes.  The failures and lacking.  Every terrible thing I have ever done and said.  But I’m not the creature he believes me to be and never really was.  I was always just me.  Trying to do my best, getting back up and trying again when it wasn’t good enough.  Learning to be the things that came least naturally to me, a mother and wife and housekeeper.  Living in hope that one day my attempts would be good enough and my husband would pour the kind words, love and support into me that I longed for.  That he would return to me the love and acceptance that I gave to him.
You can’t know that I lie awake at night and reach out the empty pillow next to me, missing him and hating the things that brought about that empty spot next to me.  Can you imagine how much it hurts to know that he is speaking sweet nothings into someone ear while I kiss bruises better and break up another argument, all alone.  Getting to the end of another day and wishing he was there to talk to and cuddle with.  The pain of knowing that in his eyes I wasn’t worth fighting for, our family wasn’t important enough to hold together despite hard times.  That there were to many tears, and hormones and arguments, snotty noses and messy rooms, to many disappointments and broken promises.  For both of us.  The difference is I always believed we could survive anything, even when I didn’t I still did.
I never imagined when I was married that I wouldn’t be enough to make my husband happy.  That he wasn’t happy within himself and therefore couldn’t give that to me or his children.  I didn’t imagine any outcome apart from living, loving and raising our children together.  That one day we would be holding hands as we enjoyed the celebrations, marriages, and grandchildren, surrounded by the love our family had built.
But I understand him.  I know him inside out and upside down.  Better than you will ever be able to.  You will never know him like I do.  Because I knew him when he was real and didn’t have anything to hide.  He never could hide from me.  But any relationship that he has now will be based on secrets and masks and fear.  Fear that you will discover the truth.  That he just didn’t want to try harder.  That I still love him and always will.  That there was nothing wrong with his sex life.  That you aren’t a better woman than I am, just different.  And one day he will be standing next to you and realise he’s standing next to the wrong woman.  Because we are family and it will never be like that again for him, no matter what you have to offer.  You will always be the replacement.

I bet he didn’t tell you about the woman who I was before being married to a difficult man changed me.  Because I was just like you, full of life, hope, plans for the future, sexy and sassy.  There’s a good chance one day you will be just like me, bruised, weary from the fight for his love and alone.
But there something you don’t realise, that you are stealing from me right now, because if he said the sweet, sexy and charming words to me, that he does to you then we would be cuddling on the couch now instead of leading separate lives.  But he rarely did.  Instead he punished me for being tired, not up to his standards, to busy raising and caring for his children, making sure the priorities in life were fulfilled.  I sacrificed everything because that’s what he told me I should do, and then he told me I’d sacrificed everything and he didn’t know who I was anymore.  I wasn’t someone he wanted though.  I can’t keep up with the new life he wants, and so he has to leave me behind.
Maybe it doesn’t even mean anything to you.  Maybe you are just flirting and enjoying some random guy making you feel sexy and desirable.  Maybe if push came to shove you would never meet.  Maybe you don’t understand that you are taking my husbands heart further from his family, confirming his decision that any other women is preferable to putting in the hard work at home.  Stroking his ego and helping him believe that he deserves better, when there is nothing better than what he had, it was the best.  Maybe you think you aren’t hurting anyone.  Maybe you don’t realise that I’m just another woman.  I love and laugh and live for my family.  I nurture and care and cuddle.  I am sexy, sultry and seductive and the mother of this man’s children.  I make mistakes, but it wasn’t until other women got involved in my marriage that I no longer had the chance to make up for them.
Women we need to stop betraying each other.

Welcome Back to Me….

I miss blogging and I really want to get back to it, but I’ve put myself in a bind.  The successful blogs have a focus category, a theme which leads people to find them based on their interests.  But I’m just to crazy and eclectic for that.  I have tried have subject matter focused blogs but that just ends in me having more blogs than I can handle.  Then again there is also the Me I want to show and the Me I want to keep private, which leads to more blogs lol.  I’ve been blogging on AI breedables in Second Life for over 3 years and have a couple of blogs on my pseudonym as well.

One of my problems is an inability to focus, and one of my long frustrations in the blogging world is the way people box themselves into a particular package and that’s all you get to see of them.  There are the many blogs out there with Stay-at-Home Mum’s showing their perfectly decorated homes, or perfectly disciplined children, or perfect homeschool life, perfect crafts, perfect health, perfect cooking, perfect fitness, perfectly dressed, perfectly balanced lives etc, etc.  I’m sure you get the idea.  I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

I’m a perfectionist, but that usually leads to more trouble than good, including depression, and I certainly don’t think I fit into any box (yet available).

My life is chaotic, my children are strong willed and disobedient, we are all computer addicts, loud, unfit.  I am separated and my husband tells me soon to be divorced.  We have had a very difficult marriage and have been separated twice now, the first time for 12 months, he started chasing women to soon and this time I realise I’ve been in too much of a rush to find someone to fill the hurt that comes from years with a Narcissist.  A word I can use because I’ve found the answer to our issues, but seems I’m to late to fix what I’ve spent our entire marriage trying to fix.

I’ve gone from being a homeschooling, quiverful, fundamental Pastors’ wife, having 6 children in 9 years, to a single mother, with a tentative relationship with God, damaged children and to many big bills.  I’ve been through a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage with a narcissist, who committed adultery with a friend of mine, who’s children was best friends with my children at the time (it’s hard to explain why they aren’t going to be seeing their friends ever again).  Years of being told I’m not good enough, lazy, fat, the problem in every situation.

Honestly I’d forget all that if he wanted to work on our marriage, but his answer to that is I need to change.  Perhaps one day he will see it differently.  Right now I need to work on my issues with co-dependancy and 6 children that are showing far to many of the same issues their father and I have.  I need to restore sanity and order to our home and routine to our homelife.

So I’m not afraid to admit my weaknesses, because I don’t think it helps anyone to pretend I’m perfect.   And it is always my hearts desire to help others.  I’m sick of compartmentalising my life into boxes for fear that if people knew ‘all’ of me, the ‘whole’ picture, they wouldn’t like me.  And that’s really what it comes down to for me.  I’ve spent my whole life hiding parts of myself because I felt I needed to in order to please others.  My husband tells me now that he doesn’t like me.  That is something that’s really hard to hear from the person you’ve spent the last 14 years trying to make happy (even though it was proven to be impossible).  But at the same time I rest in the fact that he doesn’t really know me, he never really wanted to.  So perhaps I’m not totally unlikeable.

 

I’ll be changing the blog name, but I don’t know what to yet lol.  I’m going to start sharing the routine, and mundane, the craziness and life lessons that are part of my life and family, in our unique situation.

 

Be Gentle With Me

More ramblings from my online dating diary….

swallow bird vintage image graphicsfairypk

Even in my short time here more than once I have gotten the feeling that the people that contact me are looking for me to flirt or open myself up to them and when that doesn’t happen the messages go dead. I am a very flirty person, but that’s something that has to be earned over time. I have standards and I’m a lady, not a tramp lol.

I’m not going to open myself up to every person that messages me and for me attraction is a cerebral thing. I am attracted to a beautiful mind and a quick wit. I know it’s hard to believe but calling me pet names on first contact, asking what I’m wearing or making subtle sexual references really won’t impress me. I don’t think I’m different to most women in that I want someone to want to know me before they get to KNOW me. lol
But hey there are the cougars and the prowlers now, many women aren’t much different to men in their methods of sexual pursuit. But personally if I was like that I’d be hanging out at the local pub, not protecting my heart by seeking a ‘safer’ way to meet men. I remember a friend once telling me that online dating is like the courting of the past. You share words and sentiments much like the written letters to someone you barely knew as in Austin novels. It is an opportunity to get to know someone on a deeper level than just the physical.
It is due to that I have chosen not to share a full body shot. The eyes are the windows to the soul are they not. A person’s smile makes them stand out in a crowd. As a sensitive woman I would find it difficult to share a full body shot, that is like going to a bar and allowing a roomful of horny men judge me on my appearance rather than what I wish to be judged by, my heart. Seeing all of me is something that comes with trust, along with many other things in life.

I am fully aware that men are primarily visual when it comes to women, which I find to be their greatest weakness, as the visual rarely allows a fair judgement. I’m sorry but it is likely I would fail initial inspection. I find it mind boggling that so many men are looking for the right woman yet she has to come in a pre-conceived package. It is likely that they will walk past the right one every time, looking instead for someone that has the right appearance but lacks the heart to give them the love they need. I’m sorry but the ‘total package’ is a fallacy, a myth, a one in a million (congrats to the one in a million sweepstakes winner). Unless of course she is the total package in your eyes….. then any man can choose to be a winner.

I am a ‘big’ girl physically (so I’ve always been told) and my dream man would be one that LOVES a big woman, that accepts me for who I am and if I choose to be different then can handle that also. I have lived a life of being told I needed to change to bring happiness to my partner and it never did work anyway.

I have heard tales that there are men out there somewhere that appreciate cuddly woman, but so far I’ve found it to be a myth as strong as the ‘total package’.
Reality bites and the current reality is that a majority of woman come in an extra loveable size and face a country of men that prefer Sporty Spice. What to do?
There’s one thing I have learnt in life and that is everyone has beauty within them, truly every woman is beautiful in some way. Perhaps it could even be said that you can choose beauty without or beauty within.
I think there is a serious question to be asked about the amount of sexuality expected from people that have sent a couple of random sentences and just how quickly intimacy is expected and judged.

A Whole New World

I have entered the sub-culture of online dating sites recently and what an eye opening experience it is.  It is a whole new world, one where rejection can be quick and decisive.  The scent of nervousness is tangible to the cynics that have been round the sites for a long time and new flesh is set upon in a flash.  One site I joined allows you to keep a Diary of sorts and I thought I would also share my writings here, as you know they are deep and stuff.

swallow bird vintage image graphicsfairypk

As a concrete thinking I am most comfortable when there is a context to the chatting I do. I find open ended questions confusing and random statements even worse lol. I suppose within the context of a dating site, the chatting is based on compatibility and the possibility of a future relationship. But I’m already finding myself saddened that there isn’t more of a openness to just chatting for friendships sake. Wouldn’t that be a healthy starting point anyway?

I think dating for the sake of having some fun together and getting to know another person in a platonic fashion is a lost artform in some ways. There is such an intensity to those looking for “the one” that sometimes it can be a little scary. Even worse, our individualistic society easily leads to giving up on a person far to quickly. “Oh sorry I don’t like that answer, moving on to the next person of interest” “I’m not getting what I want out of this person this is a waste of my time”. Personally I don’t think getting to know a person is ever a waste of time because every interaction teaches us something, something is passed on, be it a negative or positive lesson, it is lessons that make us grow. It is interaction that allows us to touch another person and perhaps share a moment of growth and revelation with them. You might have the answer to a question in their heart. Is it a loss if that’s all you ever share?

So if I have to decide on a solid context to chatting, in order to make myself more comfortable and allow my real personality to be shown what context do I choose? Making a friend or romantic pursuit? I am a friendly person and I love getting to know people, advising people and letting them know someone cares. I have an ability to befriend people from all walks of life and accept people where they are at, even if I don’t necessarily agree or approve. I think seeking friendship is a very valid possibility within a dating website. Certainly we may never come across each other any other way in our lifetimes.

I see alot of profiles telling me not to waste their time if I’m not serious. What am I supposed to be serious about? I must seriously want to talk to them or I wouldn’t bother with contact would I. I’m not seriously looking for someone to get intimate with because that isn’t something I’m going to do over the internet, or with a person I’ve just met in person either. I would seriously like to get to know someone and maybe meet over a friendly cuppa. But there seriously needs to be a spark before ever moving on from there don’t you think.

Has chatting lead to conversation becoming a lost art? Surely a chat can be a conversation? I think a bit more thought needs to be put into the random sentences thrown out there and if you are really going to learn what you are wanting to know.