I miss blogging and I really want to get back to it, but I’ve put myself in a bind. The successful blogs have a focus category, a theme which leads people to find them based on their interests. But I’m just to crazy and eclectic for that. I have tried have subject matter focused blogs but that just ends in me having more blogs than I can handle. Then again there is also the Me I want to show and the Me I want to keep private, which leads to more blogs lol. I’ve been blogging on AI breedables in Second Life for over 3 years and have a couple of blogs on my pseudonym as well.
One of my problems is an inability to focus, and one of my long frustrations in the blogging world is the way people box themselves into a particular package and that’s all you get to see of them. There are the many blogs out there with Stay-at-Home Mum’s showing their perfectly decorated homes, or perfectly disciplined children, or perfect homeschool life, perfect crafts, perfect health, perfect cooking, perfect fitness, perfectly dressed, perfectly balanced lives etc, etc. I’m sure you get the idea. I’m exhausted just thinking about it.
I’m a perfectionist, but that usually leads to more trouble than good, including depression, and I certainly don’t think I fit into any box (yet available).
My life is chaotic, my children are strong willed and disobedient, we are all computer addicts, loud, unfit. I am separated and my husband tells me soon to be divorced. We have had a very difficult marriage and have been separated twice now, the first time for 12 months, he started chasing women to soon and this time I realise I’ve been in too much of a rush to find someone to fill the hurt that comes from years with a Narcissist. A word I can use because I’ve found the answer to our issues, but seems I’m to late to fix what I’ve spent our entire marriage trying to fix.
I’ve gone from being a homeschooling, quiverful, fundamental Pastors’ wife, having 6 children in 9 years, to a single mother, with a tentative relationship with God, damaged children and to many big bills. I’ve been through a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage with a narcissist, who committed adultery with a friend of mine, who’s children was best friends with my children at the time (it’s hard to explain why they aren’t going to be seeing their friends ever again). Years of being told I’m not good enough, lazy, fat, the problem in every situation.
Honestly I’d forget all that if he wanted to work on our marriage, but his answer to that is I need to change. Perhaps one day he will see it differently. Right now I need to work on my issues with co-dependancy and 6 children that are showing far to many of the same issues their father and I have. I need to restore sanity and order to our home and routine to our homelife.
So I’m not afraid to admit my weaknesses, because I don’t think it helps anyone to pretend I’m perfect. And it is always my hearts desire to help others. I’m sick of compartmentalising my life into boxes for fear that if people knew ‘all’ of me, the ‘whole’ picture, they wouldn’t like me. And that’s really what it comes down to for me. I’ve spent my whole life hiding parts of myself because I felt I needed to in order to please others. My husband tells me now that he doesn’t like me. That is something that’s really hard to hear from the person you’ve spent the last 14 years trying to make happy (even though it was proven to be impossible). But at the same time I rest in the fact that he doesn’t really know me, he never really wanted to. So perhaps I’m not totally unlikeable.
I’ll be changing the blog name, but I don’t know what to yet lol. I’m going to start sharing the routine, and mundane, the craziness and life lessons that are part of my life and family, in our unique situation.